I met an angel dressed most likely in stripes, leggings, and a trendy pair of boots, at the most unexpected point of time in my life. In a college chemistry class.. That I took on accident. Made it out with a C, and a beautiful friend.
I’d like to explain just how chaotic my life was up until this point. I was in a toxic relationship, struggling to see myself as a useful human being, and going through the motions of my life. My personal life was on the verge of deteriorating, and the highlight of my day was making it through the day without breaking down. My heart was bitter. I had lost track of my mind. I didn't know who I was anymore. I shut everybody out. The only person that could control me was the one who had taken my soul and locked the door inside me so it couldn’t get back in. I was awakened by a touch and a soft-spoken voice of a girl who would soon be my mentor through one of the hardest times in my life.
People talk all the time about being drawn to unexpected people at particular points in our life. When we need them the most. Some may think it’s superficial, but these people to me are angels. God given. It was a night in February where I poured my heart out to a girl I didn't even know. But sometimes, that’s the thing that matters the least. A complete stranger took my heart and reminded me where to put it.
As I was reading out of my journal today, I brought myself back to the night we understood each other and where our hearts met for the first time. I've kept a diary religiously, almost every day, since I was 11. Almost 10 years recording loss, fear, heartache, happiness, and love. People come into your life, but it’s your choice as to where you place them or how long you let them stay. And just because they’ve been there with you through a hard time doesn't mean they have to be there all the time. I had no doubt in my mind that from that day forward, this girl would have a significant place in my heart for the rest of my life. She cried with me, she reasoned with me, and she helped me realize that perfection doesn’t come out of how many people’s lives you can save, but rather the fact that you save your own in the process. Actually, whether you believe it or not, you have a significant impact on every life you take the time to understand. I felt secure and comforted in her presence.
It’s not the friends you talk to everyday or the best friend that you made in first grade that you bought friendship bracelets with and promised to live beside each other when you’re old and wrinkly and have your kids be best friends to carry on your legacy. We change and we grow up. And sometimes this means outgrowing the people you thought would be there for the rest of your life. You meet beautiful blessings, and strong role models. No matter where these angels are in your future, I want you to understand, they will never be strangers to you. I don’t have to talk to my angel’s every day, or see their face every day to feel them in my heart. They are often in the same positions as you are. Victims of the most peculiar circumstances, but I’ve come to realize that often we see the brightest light in the darkest tunnels. She was that light that I needed. We were both lucky enough to be born brave. It’s our greatest attribute, as well as our biggest downfall. I praise her strength. In a time where her heart was just as battered and bruised as mine was. She fought for me. She battled my demons with me, holding my hand in the process. She helped save my soul. Even in our darkest moments, the times when we threaten ourselves into believing that nothing or nobody can change the way we see things to the point God can’t even seem real. He sends you little gifts, with smiling faces. Some of us are lucky enough to be born brave and not by burden. Not through despair, or loss. Not by heartbreak and not from weakness, or regret, or mistake. But because something higher then our Being knew what we'd sacrifice for being true to ourselves.
I try and tell all my friends who encounter dark periods in their lives that as much as you try to be the friend that everyone needs, I will be the same friend to you. I’m here to listen to you, to understand you, and to reason with you. Never be afraid to open your heart up, and let someone see your soul. You might not want to listen to me, and I might sound entirely hypocritical. But the real person inside somebody is the best part about them. And I say ‘part’ because it’s not the side you like to show off. You’d rather smile and help and save and support the ones you love. As torturous as it is to hear, you simply can’t carry everyone. They won’t know how to walk when you put them down. Open your heart, and let someone take it all in to love it.
Don’t be scared to need somebody. Believe it or not, you’re a dime a dozen. Learn to understand, learn to be still and silent. Learn to listen, and you will uncover more than you could ever imagine.
..Thankful.
When did the basic need to be loved, feel loved become unachievable? Was the problem someone else? Or was it us all along? Recently, I was asked, “What do you fear most?” Without hesitation I replied, life. The day I gambled on love was the same day I experienced what it felt like be totally raw. To voice your deepest secrets made them come alive. As humans we gamble quite frequently whether it be stacks or feeling- we win some and lose some. When I met you I won a lot, and lost a lot. I won myself back in the war I waged against myself. I lost the baggage I dragged into Chemistry that day. Had you and I not met, my heart would’ve turned to stone. You continue to direct me each day, and although we are often silent I am with you in every journey you endure. Although silent, YOU remain a reason why I face adversity with no fear.
ReplyDeleteSend the family my love. I miss you. I love you.