Silence

As published on Honelife.com 

On a foggy Sunday afternoon I sat at my kitchen table with a cup of Early Grey looking out the window at the sea of evergreens in front of me. 

It made sense when it ended. Slow as the day started, quick as the finish came. They said having a warm body in your bed is a cold battle and your sheets are never the same. I still feel those hands etched around my waist and your warm breath on the back of my neck. It's a miracle how I fell out of reality in to a dream world. 

You came in to my life like a back door curve ball and I wasn't ready to swing away. A long time ago I was loving the one who was changing me in to someone I didn't know. I was falling asleep alone at night inside a body that didn't exist. I've never been someone's one and only. Not even my own. I'm the second favorite sweater you will wear because you got a stain on your go-to. I'm the other mascara tube you will use because the first one ran out. I don't know how to be the only thing you need to have. So I play safe and shuffle myself in with the other cards hoping, just hoping I'll be the ace you pick out and don't put back.

And isn't it crazy to think you wanted to keep me all to yourself on a Summer evening after looking in my eyes for the first time. You saw me hiding undercover, you unveiled me when I had wrapped myself in layers, you spoke to me with a genuine curiosity of knowing everything there was to know about my naked soul. And when I pushed and pushed and pushed you away, you came back. You sought the girl who denied you entry, broke your heart and told you you weren't enough. You loved the girl who loved somebody else and you saved the girl who broke down and walked home in the pouring rain.

I kept you safe in my back pocket like a treasure from my childhood. I locked you away in a memory as a selfish keepsake and I realized my love for you when you spent your last bit of energy on what drove you to exhaustion. I pray I'm not too late for your love to find me again. Because the way you look at me when I laugh is what they talk about in the movies. The way you speak softly and touch gently as if you were terrified to break something so delicate. The way you keep promises and send roses to my doorstep. The way you fought and continued to fight for a dimming light, a failing potential. The way you stood by my side with no questions. It was the only way I ever knew. 

The fog has bit and the dust has settled and my cracked heart is in the palms of my hands begging for you to heal it. I see a future with you in it and I'm scared to tell you the wrong thing that will make you change your mind because I know I was wrong and I know I changed mine. How easy it was to not say what I was scared to admit, but my heart speaks louder and it's beating out the words I don't know how to tell you. 

You flew away with my heart in your hands and left me the outline of your lips etched on my forehead. The chapter ended, but the passion still roared. Tucked away in a box marked, 'Until next time, my love.' 

On that still, foggy Sunday afternoon in it's purest and most distinct form, I remembered what closure felt like. 

Silence mixed with burning, blazing fire.

I Am From

After asking  a million times if I was adopted, I was shown the video of my birth at age 10. In utter repulse and denial, I convinced myself I was a run away Princess from the land of Narnia. Till this day, that still sounds more appealing and whimsical than my newborn shrieks on a video-tape. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I am from great open windows 

from pink chiffon and crystal chandeliers.

I am from the gleam and clean

The palace of silence layered with chaos.

I am from the budding purple orchid

The banana tree whose long gone limbs I remember as if they were my own.

I'm from the chosen token Christmas ornament and glass of white wine

From big brother and baby niece.

I'm from nail biting, reality t.v. and from plentiful meals.

I'm from protection of witches and things, shrieks like Sara from Land before time and "practice makes perfect."

I'm from camping in R.V parks

I'm from Surrey and Canadian

I'm from meat and potatoes.

From convincing daddy to bring a puppy home while mommy was at work,

A collection of rocks, pogs and sports equipment,

Trophies on the walls, in the garage and in the hallways,

A life of pride, joy, and a love rich in royalty.

affirmations and adaptations

daily truth bomb #68

you can be deeply certain, 

and slightly doubtful. you can be scared,

and really, really, ready.

-Danielle Laporte

Two weeks ago, I spent hours trying to justify myself through awkward sips of a 6 ounce splash of white. 

You don't get me. You don't appreciate me. You can't understand me.

Questioning and consulting, rationalizing and deciding. 

I've felt this before and it never comes out right. 

There are so many people who I have grown up from. From choice to chance. You move, you adapt, you receive beautiful new opportunities and your promises of being attached at the hip for eternity burst at the seams. It's a terrifying ordeal to realize that nothing is as predictable as it occurs. 

Pinky promises, bff bonds and preteen proposals get broken.

And when you go from constant to non existent, you eventually learn how to re-adapt. You don't change fully, but you are what you do and who you do it with.

So while I found myself amongst a circle of great friendships, great teammates and an opportunity of a lifetime, my struggle came from knowing who I wanted to be, but being in the wrong space to show it. 

I had everything I should have wanted.

But my strengths were never brought out to their fullest potential because my surroundings were set to deteriorate them. 

I hated where I was and I was too scared to admit it.

My strong commitment to myself to have a creative, loving and careful soul were strewn in bits and pieces during a period of my youth where fear, guilt and loneliness were present the most. I was intimidated to be who I felt I was. It took a lot of brutal soul searching to look myself in the mirror and not see a failure looking back at it. It took honest time and full patience to be okay with myself in my commitment to everything that I stood for. There was a lot I learned from seeing pain in others and guilt in myself, that took me to the level of appreciating trials and scary surroundings. 

I only ever used my guts when I thought I didn't have them anymore.

So when I threw my junk on the back-burner  my stomach churned and my head and heart said keep moving. 

People are not meant to meet us halfway. We experience our separate journeys for all the right reasons. We exist because we give our spirits life. And we find out what we can call ourselves at the end of the day, through our own filters.

My uncomfortable feeling that occurs when my loved ones question my actions, thoughts and gestures has nothing to do with them. But rather with me. Am I confident in this space I am existing in? Am I whole and complete in my heart? Am I understanding this persons opinion through their lens, or my own?

And after all, If God is for me, who can be against me?