Wear 'Yes' on your Heart: Self Love

It is my dream to be a journalist. It is my dream to travel. And it is my dream to help somebody enough to change their life. 

A writer I know who I met in the most unusual circumstance came in to my life at the most desirable time. We met on the social networking website, Twitter. A random request from a man I've never met in my life, which would soon change a large part of it. We got to talking, sharing our views on life, and writing, and the significant influences we've encountered in our lives. I felt like I knew this man. He later offered to send me his book, sharing his personal story to me, a stranger. I didn't need to trust him; I didn't need to pour my soul. I just felt his passion as we developed conversation about our views on love, and tough experiences. I told him about my walk with God, and where I stood weary and unclear at times. He brought this to my attention in one of his books,

"The Bible tells us that, 'to love is to be willing to die for what we love', but many of us don’t even like ourselves enough to protect ourselves from harm. To simplify this point further, would you risk your life to save your parents?  Would you be willing to fight for the honor of your best friend? With your answers in mind, ask yourself this: What hardship in your life are you allowing yourself to endure? It is all too common that we fight for the well-being of everyone except ourselves. We claim to love ourselves, yet we stay in bad relationships, we allow people to belittle and degrade us, and we put up with people giving us less than we deserve but just enough to keep us around. You see, the easiest way to gauge how much you really love yourself is by taking an honest look at your life and counting the unnecessary pains and burdens that you are refusing to cut out of your life, even while they are destroying it. Most people would say that they have a healthy love for themselves without having a clear idea of what it means to love. Love is the simplest truth, yet the hardest thing to properly describe; in fact, everyone seems to have their own description, even though the Bible gave us the perfect one." 

- J.L Ford

http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/wear-yes-on-your-heart/id464847841?mt=11

Re-evaluate your character.

xo.

Chemistry class & Angels in Stripes.

I met an angel dressed most likely in stripes, leggings, and a trendy pair of boots, at the most unexpected point of time in my life. In a college chemistry class.. That I took on accident. Made it out with a C, and a beautiful friend.

I’d like to explain just how chaotic my life was up until this point. I was in a toxic relationship, struggling to see myself as a useful human being, and going through the motions of my life. My personal life was on the verge of deteriorating, and the highlight of my day was making it through the day without breaking down. My heart was bitter. I had lost track of my mind. I didn't know who I was anymore. I shut everybody out. The only person that could control me was the one who had taken my soul and locked the door inside me so it couldn’t get back in. I was awakened by a touch and a soft-spoken voice of a girl who would soon be my mentor through one of the hardest times in my life. 

People talk all the time about being drawn to unexpected people at particular points in our life. When we need them the most. Some may think it’s superficial, but these people to me are angels. God given. It was a night in February where I poured my heart out to a girl I didn't even know. But sometimes, that’s the thing that matters the least. A complete stranger took my heart and reminded me where to put it. 

As I was reading out of my journal today, I brought myself back to the night we understood each other and where our hearts met for the first time. I've kept a diary religiously, almost every day, since I was 11. Almost 10 years recording loss, fear, heartache, happiness, and love. People come into your life, but it’s your choice as to where you place them or how long you let them stay. And just because they’ve been there with you through a hard time doesn't mean they have to be there all the time. I had no doubt in my mind that from that day forward, this girl would have a significant place in my heart for the rest of my life. She cried with me, she reasoned with me, and she helped me realize that perfection doesn’t come out of how many people’s lives you can save, but rather the fact that you save your own in the process. Actually, whether you believe it or not, you have a significant impact on every life you take the time to understand. I felt secure and comforted in her presence. 

It’s not the friends you talk to everyday or the best friend that you made in first grade that you bought friendship bracelets with and promised to live beside each other when you’re old and wrinkly and have your kids be best friends to carry on your legacy. We change and we grow up. And sometimes this means outgrowing the people you thought would be there for the rest of your life. You meet beautiful blessings, and strong role models. No matter where these angels are in your future, I want you to understand, they will never be strangers to you. I don’t have to talk to my angel’s every day, or see their face every day to feel them in my heart. They are often in the same positions as you are. Victims of the most peculiar circumstances, but I’ve come to realize that often we see the brightest light in the darkest tunnels. She was that light that I needed. We were both lucky enough to be born brave. It’s our greatest attribute, as well as our biggest downfall. I praise her strength. In a time where her heart was just as battered and bruised as mine was. She fought for me. She battled my demons with me, holding my hand in the process. She helped save my soul. Even in our darkest moments, the times when we threaten ourselves into believing that nothing or nobody can change the way we see things to the point God can’t even seem real. He sends you little gifts, with smiling faces. Some of us are lucky enough to be born brave and not by burden. Not through despair, or loss. Not by heartbreak and not from weakness, or regret, or mistake. But because something higher then our Being knew what we'd sacrifice for being true to ourselves.  

I try and tell all my friends who encounter dark periods in their lives that as much as you try to be the friend that everyone needs, I will be the same friend to you. I’m here to listen to you, to understand you, and to reason with you. Never be afraid to open your heart up, and let someone see your soul. You might not want to listen to me, and I might sound entirely hypocritical. But the real person inside somebody is the best part about them. And I say ‘part’ because it’s not the side you like to show off. You’d rather smile and help and save and support the ones you love. As torturous as it is to hear, you simply can’t carry everyone. They won’t know how to walk when you put them down. Open your heart, and let someone take it all in to love it. 

Don’t be scared to need somebody. Believe it or not, you’re a dime a dozen. Learn to understand, learn to be still and silent. Learn to listen, and you will uncover more than you could ever imagine. 

..Thankful.

Home is where the Heart is

It happened on the side of the road one day. 

A road that we were both so familiar with. It led from one town to the other and gave me just enough time to think about all I had to think about, and forget all that I had to think about when I got there. 

My best friend and I would take turns driving each other to school in the morning, leaving just a bit early to get some world famous Tim Horton’s coffee, but still arriving fashionably late to our first class of the day. And just about all the rest of them. I remember these days like a vivid photograph. No matter the day, no matter the weather, no matter if we were sick, sad, pissed, or exhausted. We shared this moment with each other. This ritual, every single day of our senior year in high school. It felt like home to me. I was familiar with it. And as we grow up and develop into well structured human beings, we all seek to have something comfortable to fall back on, something that we know is always going to stay the same, even if we change. My mother always told me that home doesn't necessarily have to be where you grew up, which house you lived in the longest, or where all your friends were closest to you. Home is where your 'stuff' is. It's where your family is. You can be anywhere in the world, but if you have your prized possessions and your family beside you. You are home. I think this is all something we take for granted. We've been told before as children, don’t take for granted the clothes on your back, or the roof over your head, because some children don’t get to experience as much as you do. And truth is, they’re all right. My parents took me on a drive down the streets of Vancouver when I was about 13 years old. Young, wild and free, and using every available excuse to get what I wanted in my sweet little princess attitude. What I saw was beyond revealing. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew it wasn’t nice and I knew it wasn’t good. I never knew what shooting up meant or snorting coke, or blow was. I never knew what prostitution or a hooker was. And I certainly never thought it was possible to see children, my age, starving and laying on the street with just a shredded blanket on, to cover them up on the rainiest, most bone-chilling day. It was one of the realest experiences I had, in exposing how lucky I really was. 

There is so much going on in our world that we unfortunately play shy too, because thinking about how unfortunate peoples circumstances are, would most definitely deteriorate our own. Of course we instantly feel pain and sorrow when the worldwide starving children donation commercials come on our televisions, of course we want to adopt a puppy from the shelter when we pass by a sad looking mutt on the street. We all want to better others lives because internally it makes ours seem better. We feel more privileged for things that we have, that others don’t. This is compassion. This is something a lot of people know, but consistently neglect to show. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t need to be delivered with spending your savings on charities, although that is a thoughtful and blessed initiation. Compassion comes with smiling at strangers, singing songs with elder people, playing with your little cousin, nephew, or niece at the park. We ripple and radiate love, when we do small things in abundance. It’s a win, win situation. You will seek peace in your heart that is displayed throughout the whole world. The fact that I have the opportunity to go home, and love my family with all that I have, is a blessing in its own. Have you ever seen the look on your mothers face when you go up and hug her and tell her how beautiful she looks (the first initial response might be, ‘okay what did you do? or what do you want’) but in reality, every single mothers/fathers day card, note, or special present I made for my parents, is kept in their dresser drawers as keepsakes for the appreciation of all their hard work as parents.

It is a beautiful feeling to love and be loved in return. Make small adjustments on your compassion meter. Do the right thing when no one is watching for this will turn to bless you when all the people are joined in peace and harmony, doing the same, at the end of the day.

Love & Tons of Smiles. xo

Checkmate, Soulmates.

Ever think about the day you’ll run in to your soul mate. The one of your dreams who you’ve been searching for?

I may be the luckiest person in the word to have already met some of my soul sisters. And I’m even convinced I still haven’t met all of them yet.

I've come to find my soul mates come in all shapes and sizes. Not just one either, but many, that I've met along the way. Those that are there for me at the perfect times, just as I am there for them. 

People walk in and out of your life. They always will. Nothing is permanent, nothing stays. However, how they made you feel at that period of time does. How they made you change for the better and corrected your direction and changed your path. That is what a soul mate does. Someone once told me,

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual, eternal, master." 

The hardest part of any friendship is when it's time to say goodbye. These never last forever, as hard as they are. As much as we might like things to stay the same, change is an inevitable part of life. The universe may seem huge and the rift between friends on opposite sides of the world may seem a great distance. There are many tools available, with which we can communicate, but even without these tools there is a secret that only real friends know, and it is this. All the mountains and valleys in the world cannot separate friends whose hearts are as one. Truthfully, I'm really good at goodbyes. There really easy for me. I've accepted them. But only because I know that they truly don't exist. If you love somebody and care about them enough, your relationship is eternal, it can fade, but it can never disappear. 

"It's only appealing, because it's familiar"

In reference to this 'Post Title.'

Stop and think for a second about what is ultimately convenient for you. 

Some examples can range from your childhood/parents household, your little stuffed teddy bear that you've had since birth, your most comfortable pair of shoes, your favorite special latte from Starbucks, oh and maybe that ex-boyfriend who pops in to your head on a 'go-to' safety basis. 

Just saw this amazing post from a friend on Facebook and had to share.

6 Reasons to NOT go back with your Ex.


Now tell me everything about #3 doesn't completely hit home with you now, or at some desperate stage in your life............ Okay then. Lets move forward and start from scratch!

Now don't we all just hate the dating process. Yes. The untimely, annoying process, where you actually have to care about being cute and spontaneous. The awkward first encounters, usually set up by close friends. Meeting somebody you know nothing about. Will they like my hair? Will they open the car door? Pay for the meal? 
Oh 
my 
Gosh.
... Will we kiss? 

Probably one of the most undeniably terrifying experiences, is a first date. We are afraid we won’t impress and sell our best attributes. Like buying a new car, you browse, you browse again, do your research, see something you like, take it for a test drive, and if you like it you take it home and take care of it and keep it happily ever after, you hope. Nobody tries to present themselves in a negative light when they meet somebody with potential for the first time. We all like to show off. The point where we cross the line is when we attempt to be something we in fact, are not. Because Lord knows if the male doesn't make a 90k+ salary a year, chances are the hot diva he took out isn't going to bat another eyelash. What a superficial mess. 

Society has drawn out a master plan in our brains of what we feel we need in a long term relationship. Well I’m here to tell you, it is possible to make this easy on yourself. If he or she is Mr. or Mrs. Right, it won’t be something evident on the first date or encounter that you have. Establishing an emotional connection is key to any long lasting relationship. To be comfortable enough to be yourself with no pressures from either person is what keeps the love alive. Nobody remembers the glittering piece of jewelry that you wore on your neck, or how perfectly positioned your eyeliner was. And nobody remembers the perfect amount of cologne you dropped on your neck, or the snug little tie that you practiced for hours in front of the mirror to get just right. You ask any couple, and they’ll remember the quirky little things that you paid no attention too.


Another important piece of advice. DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. TO. BE. ALONE. Some of our best and most spiritually and mentally enhancing years, are spent by ourselves. Indulging in what makes you happy and loving yourself for who YOU are, and not what others want you to be. 

However, as much as I enjoy being alone, I do not enjoy becoming lost in loneliness. I used to wonder if I was the only person on this planet who was born unworthy of love and companionship. I just didn't feel like I deserved it. It got to the point where I hated it, so much that I just wanted to love nothing. My search was for something at the time I didn't know existed. My need for intimacy was amongst my search for intimacy. This is all rooted in community, relationship, friendship and acceptance in yourself. We long to belong. This is what we are created for, to unify and connect, and sometimes this happens in the most inconsistent ways.

You can’t force love, it’s there or it’s not. And if it’s not, it’s because you aren't comfortable. I've realized that you can’t go after perfection or ‘entertain’ perfection or what is necessarily ‘idea;’ because that doesn't fit your life. What fits your life is what kind of people you connect too, to help make yourself a stronger, better and stable person. What is there to talk about? It should be give and take in a strong relationship and you are bound to feel like you’re giving 90% if you don’t let yourself go fully. As much as it is the hardest thing to do, it’s the only thing to do, if you’re going to do it full heartily. That is a consequence you take when you love someone. And love is full of consequences. Four simple letters that articulate a lifetime of feeling. You will always be connected with the people you love and always will be bonded by emotion that is greater than your control, because it is supposed to be. It’s something that you initially need to ask yourself. Do they deserve to go in and see the gaping hole in your heart? Or are you going to make it impossible for them, because deep down you don’t want it to work. You are a lost soul that doesn't want to be found. This is where self seeking and awareness and escaping the idea of whats familiar within yourself, is a key structure to begin a relationship with. Although it is never sturdy and always needs support, it is something that needs to be there to hold on to something else. We are all very shape-able molds, easily influenced, highly dependent on others. Although it would be nice and easy to be a one man show that did everything on their own with no fear of getting hurt, or even worse, failing. We are not invincible. We are not alone.




Happy Sunny Monday P&P's.. Know your worth!

I Believe in the Power of You and I

I do not have a religion, but I am religious. 
I am not a part of any ‘ism’s’ or ‘anitys.’ 
I do not attend a youth group, or the same church every Sunday. 
I do not wear a cross on my neck, nor do I have any type of symbol that abides by a tradition, on my body.

I do however, submit myself to what I love to do and to who I love and this has taken a great deal of faith all together. 

One thing I’m certain of is the power that holds us, joins us all together, that we can feel but can’t see. I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to know that I exist, God exists, and love exists. I am aware that until I was able to see God in my heart, the absence of God in my heart was not a life that made sense to me. I have seen many miracles, and I have been blessed with many miracles. Life is not a coincidence. It is not a cluster of uncertainty thrown together in a blender and shaken up. It is a quest for meaning, a journey along a path that is so much clearer when you hold a hand that loves you. 

This may make people uncomfortable, the fact that I have beliefs that I choose not to categorize. I however, am uncomfortable with the fact that some feel the crucial need to categorize their beliefs. I have friends of every color, race, and religion. I have been to churches and worship led conferences in my community and even outside of my country. I have seen people be blessed by faith and show their faith to the Lord, and I have seen people that would rather hate the world than show faith to anything. The paths and journeys they take, are not mine. We shouldn't be told where to go on these paths because then, it wouldn't be our own walk to learn about who we are as an individual. Yes we can be led, and yes of course we are guided and influenced by those surrounding us. But we are horses that must drink the water we are led to, by ourselves. We must experience for ourselves what we discover on our journeys. 

If you think about it in depth, the greatest gift we can give to ourselves is self-accomplishment. Simply because nobody can do what you poured your heart into with hard work and determination. This is your personal accreditation. And doesn't that feel amazing? Busting your ass and using your God given talent to really excel in something. Something that others thought you would fail at. And failure happens. Many, many times before succeeding does. But to succeed fully is to accomplish the task that drives you so hard, that your talent mixed with focus and faith and ambition, cannot be touched. This is your accreditation to keep. This is your own personal accomplishment. And nobody can take that away from you. At the end of the day giving the glory to God who blessed you with all the tools you had to work with and the faith to believe you could assemble them together, is enough. You did it, you’ll do it, and you’ll keep doing it. And now doesn't that just feel amazing?

Love and Luck.  xo 

“A life not lived for others is not a life.”

When hate consumes our hearts, we are prone to destroy. 

Inevitably, we are surrounded in violent environments. Sometimes we see so much viciousness, death, and distraught, that we believe this is always going to be impended in our lifestyles. 

Some little boys want to watch shit blow up and some little boys want to ride ponies and braid their mother’s hair. Some little girls like to play with dolls, others like to ride dirt bikes and race cars. So what. Does this make them any less of their own gender, or anymore of it?

Curiosity and self expression is natural to experiment. But what happens inside a human beings brain, for a thought to become more important than the credibility of a human life? At what extent does a point have to be made, to be proven? The dilliema is that we long to belong, our hearts long to love, but we are dissatisfied. We can’t feel safe because ultimately we are our own worst enemies. We feel guilty when we do something wrong because we should know better, and in most cases we are hypocritical to those who do the same actions as we do. It pisses us right off when we see a nervous nail biter, pen chewer, foot taper, or even that lazy asshole that drinks too much and cusses constantly. Have we done every single one of these things before? Probably, actually well, absolutely we have. Ironic isn't it. This creates pointless irritations and a buildup of steam in our heads that eventually make us explode. How many times have you wanted to scream and yell at the top of your lungs when your mother is consistently on you to clean your room, or make your bed? “I'll do it when I feel like it” or “It’s not dirty, I just cleaned it” or “I’m about to sleep in it later and mess it all the way up again, so why would I bother making it?” All extremely logical statements. What I’m convinced of is that these requests directed towards us are all relative to how we perceive our ego. Because in reality, making some sheets up probably wouldn’t take all that much time.. But the new Call of Duty video game isn’t going to play itself is it? One day your boss is going to do something that is extremely irate and obnoxious. Will you tell him/her it can wait until later, or will you finish it, be thorough, and collect your pay check at the end of two weeks. Once again, easier to say, harder to do. Not everybody that is an authority figure to you is going to be someone you absolutely love and respect. I guess this is where, “Welcome to the real world” is applicable.

We see how we react to people of inappropriate attitudes and behavior, and even the downright asses that surround us in everyday life. For some this 'front' gives them a personal sense of security. If they can downsize somebody else, they are sure to upgrade themselves in the process. I can promise you that at the end of the day, this will not fulfill the empty spot(s) in  a broken soul. A better approach and advantage to take is to the be the person that you would respect. An easily approachable individual promotes a much more comfortable atmosphere than an angry and insecure person willing to bulldoze anyone in his or her way to get to where they want to be. 

It is my hope that someday and somehow our civilization can be a peaceful and judgment free utopia. Mother Teresa constantly reminds me of the complex simplicity in this ideal. "What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family." We are surrounded by so many intelligent and creative individuals, capable of immense insight and love. I would rather love somebody for the respect and loyalty of a friendship in which they showed me, then hate them for what they decide to wear to school every day. I don’t remember being given the right to have this authority, so why must we insist on using it so constantly?  

We can look our worst enemies in the eye and see no possible chance of a soul. But internally everyone is dealing with struggle. Sometimes it’s not obvious and other times it is. But realistically they are just seeking a meaning for their heartache, struggle, and to take the pain away from themselves. They direct it forwardly on other people. Its with absolute certainty that love and the willingness to give and receive that feeling, is a passion. We all crave. What we need to do more is look our enemies directly in their eyes and deliver compassion. By showing love and compassion for somebody, even if you have no idea who they are, is the first step you can make to making a change. 

When Two Become One

Love is in the air and wedding fever is reaching high temperatures. 

I can't help but smile and get teary eyed every time I witness the vows between a couple during a ceremony (perks of my wedding coordinator job.) Being as ridiculously emotional as I am, what melts my heart even more is listening to the stories in speeches from the families and friends that have watched the bride and groom over time fall in love, then wish them well as they embark on their journeys together from that day forward.

I look at my parents and how they still look at each other with love and compassion after 26 years of marriage. Their companionship, teamwork and friendship is admirable. They have not only vowed to love each other till death do they part, but continue to prove their love as they engage in everything they devote to one another. I have every reason to believe that love is everlasting, because I have parents who have made that possible to believe. They are the real proof. They make each other happy and mad at the same time, they have cute inside jokes from their dating years, they know each other’s flaws, each others greatest attributes, and they protect each other on a day to day basis. 

Society has every right to be terrified of marriage. The percentage rates have increased with a vast amount of couples separating or getting divorced within the first five years of their marriage. 

I found a quote from Paul Newman to his wife on their wedding day claiming that, “Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In 'the Art of Marriage', the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner."

We are all flawed humans. If you hope for perfection, butterflies, cupcakes, and unicorns, you will be severely disappointed. To be willing to work within the marriage is the largest commitment you have to be willing to make. Marrying your partner should not be terrifying, and it should not feel like a duty.

 Be the kind of person you want to fall in love with.

Practice Safe Yoga

Life is utter chaos. It is hard, it is scary, and it is unpredictable. Simple as that. Don't you always find yourself wishing you had just a few minutes of quiet time for some personal reflection, or even just a second to catch your breath? Your mind is buzzing with all the tasks on your daily agenda, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, the kids need to be couriered to their practices and games. Doesn't seem like the hustle and bustle ever ends. 

This summer I made the most fantastic decision to try out a Hot Yoga class. One turned in to two, two turned to three, and now I'm in my fourth week of spiritual and physical indulgement. 

Not only does a 75 minute class make me sweat from every pore on my body, I feel uplifted, energized, and full of positive light the second I roll up my mat after a class. 

If you're skeptical about your prior flexibility, or lack of 'athleticism', I promise you this is not any type of combat sport or gymnastics event. Instructors are taught to guide students in their own pace of personal practice. You are not pushed past your limits unless you feel capable of bringing yourself there. The yoga practice is not boot camp, but rather a training session for all aspects of your being. How can you go wrong with that?

Still not convinced? Check out some great yoga journals and online videos. In no time you'll be out purchasing your colorful new mat, and antsy to get your daily sweat on doing a workout that you love!

Commit yourself. Find peace in your chaos.

Namaste, friends. xo

http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/home_practice

Soul Glow

Once upon a time I promised myself that I would dive into my past and deeply reflect for a better understanding towards my life. You know, soul searching and stuff. I thought about what influences me, what drives me to a deeper understanding of myself. I thought about my cravings and about what it means to be fully satisfied. Sometimes that’s just an ice cold diet coke on a warm summer day, while I’m driving in my car and belting my 'Recently added' downloads from ITunes. But what about my real cravings. Those guilty pleasures. We all have them. Demands, addictions, something we always want more of. At what point are we satisfied?

If I could interview my soul, I think it would tell me it wants more then what it should want when it doesn’t even know why it wants it. Make sense? Thought not. It seems as if my whole life has been devoted to satisfying an unsatisfied part of myself. I am the first to admit, I get blinded by dark parts of this world causing me to say and do things I consciously wouldn't do in a clear state of mind. I’ve learned that by bearing you’re most secretive, sensitive, and immature parts of your soul to others we become mutually connected. You learn your strengths, faults, your truths, and what you try so hard to cover up. You cannot expect people to emotionally connect with you, if you close your soul off to them. 

This is life. We are born to connect, and find similarities and differences. We are born to satisfy one another’s souls because often we leak so much of our own and naturally we become empty. It isn’t up to me to tell you which way to walk on your journey, which path to take, or what to look for on the way. But it is a part of  the craving of my soul to share what I’ve seen. This is a self fulfillment of reflection along my search for a further understanding of myself. Why am I the way I am, and why are we all the way we are? 

You want to know what the most important thing to me is? It’s waking up everyday knowing I’m living out my dream because I have the chance to do something I love. Its owning the moment and breathing the air of today, saying what I mean, and showing how I feel, never backing down and proving I’m alive, owning up to my mistakes and accepting apologies. The very most important thing to me is never forgetting how good it feels to be alive. Stories, encounters and experiences along the way have all influenced my craving of self-seeking. From love, to hate, to inspirations, and dissatisfaction. I am constantly in pursuit of capturing a friendship with my inner-self. At the end of my walk, I hope to meet God at the gate and stand before him with a clear conscience and an honest self-discovery to tell him that I have used every ounce of my knowledge and experiences to understand the gift he gave me. My life, my soul. 

Hope you're continuing to have a blessed week!

Confessions: Lipstick and Nacho Cheese

My wonderful, experimental, and adventurous childhood consisted of a lot of coloring books, prune juice and an unreal amount of 
demolished,
drawn on, 
hair chopped, Barbie dolls..
Woops.

To say the least I remember being a pesky, annoying, bleach-blonde-headed diva that snuck in to her mother’s closet to try on all her fancy dresses, sparkly jewelry, oversized heels, and hell, even her silicon ta-ta’s. Yep. I was the child who stuffed her La Senza girl training bra, put on a disastrous old fashioned shade of red lipstick and walked up and down my hallway envisioning myself as a runway model. Embarrassing, absolutely. Even more embarrassing.. when mom couldn’t find her fake boobies. 

I was a bit of a shape-shifter growing up. Anything from a spoiled little brat that told on my brother for drinking dads beer downstairs with his friends, to a quiet child that read the Black Stallion, Little House on the Prairie, Babysitters Club, and Boxcar Children series' front to back in my closet with a night light, every night, so I wouldn't get it trouble staying up so late. I loved the feeling of letting my imagination run wild. I loved the feeling of adventure and being in a realm where anything was possible, as long as I kept my mind open to it.

Let me assure you before you think I was some psychopath loner child, that I had friends and a social life. I loved my personal time but I lived for my sports. I craved them and everything about the competition, medals, trophies and plaques. These were my accomplishments. I loved to win, and I played to win. There wasn't really any other option. I’d sleepwalk the night before a big softball game and pep talk myself about how I was going to pitch. Obviously, my parents thought this was extremely unusual, but eventually it wore off. I lived for the thrill of competing and running around until my face turned blue with my ponytail flopping on top of my head. 

I never understood or appreciated my innocence of adventure when I was younger. I guess you really aren't supposed too. Looking back, I value every day of my youth where the only thing that mattered was playing outside until the street lights came on and it was time to go home. I was always satisfied, easily amused, easily impressed. As I grew up, this changed. I tried more and more things to satisfy my soul. None the less, it just wouldn't fill all the way up as it so easily use too. 

Sitting back and reflecting now, my inner self would probably tell me it enjoys leaving itself unsatisfied, half full, almost scared to do more or even too much. But I never intentionally starve it; I just neglect to succeed in doing what it lets. However, this is not something I try and hold myself accountable for. I live my life at a beautiful pace, full of supreme desire and even still I find myself complaining about the little things. But at the same time, I love simplicity. 

I love my snuggle. A yellow and brown puppy named Rover that sleeps at my bedside every night with the most precious floppiest ears. I love smelly candles, preferably vanilla or pumpkin spice. I love macaroni and cheese served best with a ridiculous amount of ketchup. I love big bows and long pink ribbons that blow in the wind. And I love romance books. Anything Nicholas Sparks will do. I love tuna fish sandwiches with the crust cut off and earl grey tea from God's heaven on earth, Starbucks. I appreciate rainy days and cool dark nights that have the ever so patient stars peeping from the blankets of bluey black. I love OPI baby pink nail polish, and I think Marilyn Monroe is the most fabulous woman of all time, apart from my mother. 

At the same time, I have fears of exposing too much of myself, judgment from others, suffering of loved ones, of myself, of being lost, of dying, but even more, of  having nobody remember who I was when I pass away. I try and remind myself constantly to not lose myself in the structure of life, the puzzle pieces that aren't ready to be put together, that I simply have no control over. I think this is something we forget often. I can control my thoughts, how people make me feel, what I read, what I write, what I wear, but I can’t control how that effects others. That is simply out of my hands.

I believe that I have a unique place in the world, as does everybody. No two aspects of your life, your body, and your mentality are going to be the same as another’s. We are children of God, our creator that is higher than we can ever imagine. For that, we are special. I believe in order to seek God in the physical world, you must first seek him within yourself. This is where we will have a better chance understanding Him, our fellow brothers and sisters, and most importantly, ourselves. 

Food for Thought. Yum... Food..

I am the first to believe in miracles, finding things for a reason, being in the wrong place at the right time, and the right one at the wrong time, especially with meeting people.

As our lives pan out we turn back and look at the benefits of a hard situation we never thought we’d make it through. Sometimes we wish for better when we already have it as good as it gets. I’ve learned to be thankful for my bad days and that I can make something out of myself from them, but at the beginning of each morning I can realize that bad days mean ‘below my high expectations’ and some people really cant even afford to have expectations. I know what’s right and I certainly know what’s wrong. But why is it so hard to find a common medium?

I think we often convince ourselves when everything is going moderately 'handle-able' in our lives that at any minute something or someone will come and take it away from us. After all, too good to be true, usually is, isn’t it? We are never fully satisfied. We’d rather be certain in misery and something shameful and discomforting because you can only go up from there. Am I right? It scares the living crap out of us. We worry, we fret and it does no good to our souls. We over-think too much to the point where we convince ourselves that something is happening to us that’s far from what really is. We are our own worst enemy, believe it or not. We expect the best in the midst of thinking the worst. But yet we never believe the worst could actually ever happen to us?

People die of cancer, get in plane crashes, car accidents, suffer tragedies and heartbreak. But we never truly suffer in our own anxiety that this is our own personal fate. We just keep on living with hopes that each day will be better than the worst of our yesterdays. Well let me tell you that the odds weigh themselves out my beautiful friends. Surrounding yourself in darkness but hoping to see a bright light is your own ignorant choice. Exit the negative and be prone to be more open to the positive. You will radiate so much energy that you never knew existed. You will bask in more bright light then you could imagine.

The wise Joseph Campbell when discussing Nietzsche said, "When looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now... Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes." 

Attention all Princes & Princesses

Hi Babes! Welcome, welcome to my wonderful new creative outlet and composition of my new life after college. 

This will be a firsthand experience to all who come to visit, as a document of real, raw secrets, strength, life lessons, stories of hope, sadness, love and compassion. 

Thanks for stopping by, have your cup of tea handy, find a comfy seat and read awhile! 

xo L