I Am From

After asking  a million times if I was adopted, I was shown the video of my birth at age 10. In utter repulse and denial, I convinced myself I was a run away Princess from the land of Narnia. Till this day, that still sounds more appealing and whimsical than my newborn shrieks on a video-tape. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I am from great open windows 

from pink chiffon and crystal chandeliers.

I am from the gleam and clean

The palace of silence layered with chaos.

I am from the budding purple orchid

The banana tree whose long gone limbs I remember as if they were my own.

I'm from the chosen token Christmas ornament and glass of white wine

From big brother and baby niece.

I'm from nail biting, reality t.v. and from plentiful meals.

I'm from protection of witches and things, shrieks like Sara from Land before time and "practice makes perfect."

I'm from camping in R.V parks

I'm from Surrey and Canadian

I'm from meat and potatoes.

From convincing daddy to bring a puppy home while mommy was at work,

A collection of rocks, pogs and sports equipment,

Trophies on the walls, in the garage and in the hallways,

A life of pride, joy, and a love rich in royalty.

affirmations and adaptations

daily truth bomb #68

you can be deeply certain, 

and slightly doubtful. you can be scared,

and really, really, ready.

-Danielle Laporte

Two weeks ago, I spent hours trying to justify myself through awkward sips of a 6 ounce splash of white. 

You don't get me. You don't appreciate me. You can't understand me.

Questioning and consulting, rationalizing and deciding. 

I've felt this before and it never comes out right. 

There are so many people who I have grown up from. From choice to chance. You move, you adapt, you receive beautiful new opportunities and your promises of being attached at the hip for eternity burst at the seams. It's a terrifying ordeal to realize that nothing is as predictable as it occurs. 

Pinky promises, bff bonds and preteen proposals get broken.

And when you go from constant to non existent, you eventually learn how to re-adapt. You don't change fully, but you are what you do and who you do it with.

So while I found myself amongst a circle of great friendships, great teammates and an opportunity of a lifetime, my struggle came from knowing who I wanted to be, but being in the wrong space to show it. 

I had everything I should have wanted.

But my strengths were never brought out to their fullest potential because my surroundings were set to deteriorate them. 

I hated where I was and I was too scared to admit it.

My strong commitment to myself to have a creative, loving and careful soul were strewn in bits and pieces during a period of my youth where fear, guilt and loneliness were present the most. I was intimidated to be who I felt I was. It took a lot of brutal soul searching to look myself in the mirror and not see a failure looking back at it. It took honest time and full patience to be okay with myself in my commitment to everything that I stood for. There was a lot I learned from seeing pain in others and guilt in myself, that took me to the level of appreciating trials and scary surroundings. 

I only ever used my guts when I thought I didn't have them anymore.

So when I threw my junk on the back-burner  my stomach churned and my head and heart said keep moving. 

People are not meant to meet us halfway. We experience our separate journeys for all the right reasons. We exist because we give our spirits life. And we find out what we can call ourselves at the end of the day, through our own filters.

My uncomfortable feeling that occurs when my loved ones question my actions, thoughts and gestures has nothing to do with them. But rather with me. Am I confident in this space I am existing in? Am I whole and complete in my heart? Am I understanding this persons opinion through their lens, or my own?

And after all, If God is for me, who can be against me?