I placed myself on my comfy couch, with my fuzzy throw blanket and my chilled evening glass of pinot grigio.
My tasks were done for the day. The tedious workout, the essential grocery shop, the eight hour work day, the call to my parents, the texts to friends.
I was perfectly aligned. Sitting pretty in my brand new apartment, in my brand new city, living my brand new life. I was placed in my picture perfect fresh start and all I could feel was a tidal wave of shame and imbalance.
For nine months I had been searching for stability. I wanted to knock my goals out of the ball park. So that's exactly what I did. I went goal slaying like Buffy the vampire slayer. I got a manager promotion, I moved out to the beautiful city of Vancouver on my own, I completed a vinyasa flow 30-day yoga challenge, I ran distance four times a week, I ate healthy, balanced meals, and I spent quality time with myself.
And then I found myself staring blankly at a black t.v screen for two hours and watched the story of my brand new picture-perfect life play out. Dark, lifeless and completely blank. What I saw wasn't what I had been working towards. Not happiness or pride, but loneliness and fear doused with a bucket full of inauthenticity. It took landing in the realm of my own ego to realize that I hadn't had an honest conversation with anybody I knew for months. The conversations I had with my parents were short. The catch-up coffees with my friends were vague and the early morning chats with my coworkers were lame and untruthful. To the world I was killing my goals, I was happy, and I was working hard to get what I wanted to be. Everyone surrounding me was supporting me, but what I felt when I reached out in panic wasn't a ticked off checklist. It was God.
I had my head held high, I was drowning in quicksand, and nobody was saving me.
When I cleared my clouded vision away, I saw Him. What I declared was going to make me happy, whole and complete ended up steering me away from the only One who truly knows the path of my being as clear as daylight. Because He made it. I was being overwhelmed with selfishness. Not only was I checking my goals off a list like a maniac but I was doing it to look good to everyone else. I lost sight of the fact that all I truly want and need for myself are pure and honest relationships with the people I love. Not defeating goal after goal and losing sight of my values in the process.
Without my relationship with Christ, I wouldn't ever know balance. I would topple over and cave under the pressure of being what I thought the world needed me to be.
My daily goal is now the equivalent of my lifelong goal. To stand with my Father and trust that every division of who I am is safe in his hands. What this requires of me is simply patience and faith. When I bring this in to my next 30-day fitness challenge, job opportunity, and budding relationship, I can fully understand what is required of me. I can stand in frustration or doubt and bring myself back to my main reason of Being. Because when I am trusting in my Savior, I am in the most perfect position to stand grounded in peace.
